Is your teenager getting underneath your skin? Are they talking back to you telling you no when you ask them to do something or constantly rolling their eyes and acting like the world only revolves around them? If so you’ll want to make sure that you lean into this post because i’m going to give you the hard truth about where that disrespect is coming from and
what you can do about it.
Are you constantly battling with your teenager over simple tasks like having them clean their room or do their homework or get off their aphone for more than five minutes? You ask them to do one tiny thing that they already should be doing and they give you attitude and pushback? They may even raise their voice at you and roll their eyes and tell you no which pisses you off to the point that you take away their phone or their driving privileges and then eventually they cave in and do what you ask them to do but the whole cycle repeats itself over and over and over you feel like what you’re currently doing just really isn’t working and you would be right.
The first thing we as parents have to understand is where our teenager’s disrespect is really coming fro. Disrespect equals disconnection and disconnection is the absence of the three elements that create connection which are:
- Empathy
- Curiosity and
- Vulnerability
so you have to ask yourself these questions:
What does my heart-to-heart connection with my teenager really look like and what am i doing every day to build and nurture that connection?
Now if your answer includes any variation of I do so much for them: I take them everywhere
they want to go like to the mal,l to meet their friends, soccer practice, every night I allow their friends to come over and hang out. I want you to stop and ask yourself if doing any of these physical tangible things is enough to create the heart-to-heart connection that you
desire with your teenager. Remember disrespect is occurring with your teenager because that heart-to-heart connection either doesn’t exist right now or hasn’t been nurtured and isn’t growing. I’m going to tell you right now
when you work on developing that heart-to-heart connection which means that your teenager feels heard seen andbvalued the disrespect will dissipate. It will no longer exist at all. Imagine that for a moment, that’s exactly what you want for there to be peace in your home. For your relationship with your teenager
to be stronger deeper and actually enjoyable.
There are various keys that will help us to achieve this heart to heart connection.
Key 1: Vulnerable communication
This is about you getting in touch with your heart first before talking to your teenager so that you’re challenging your fears you’re addressing your triggers before engaging with your teem. You always want to process your
emotions. First by doing this you reduce the amount of damage that you might cause the relationship. Remember connection is the ultimate goal here which eradicates disrespect. We have to be deliberate in how we create and maintain connection with our kids.
It’s a continual process even when they become adults it’s something that we have to constantly work at improving. Part of vulnerable
communication is asking yourself this
question: Are the thoughts i’m having coming from a place of fear or love? Now parenting from a place of love can be hard to distinguish from parenting out of fear because the parenting dynamic as you know is intertwined with both fear and love. Much more than any other relationship that we can have with anyone so we have to become good at teasing the fear out of our thoughts and actions. And what’s great about vulnerable communication is that we actually express our fear to our teenager. It could sound something like this: “I know how badly you want to go to the party but i’m feeling a little scared about it. My fear is that you could be pressured into doing something unsafe and although I know that you’re a leader and not a follower I also know how easy it can be to try something when everyone else is doing it and studies show that when teenagers get together their tolerance for risk increases significantly. I just saw an article about that the other day so as you can imagine i’m feeling pretty fearful about this party. I love you so
much and i don’t know what i’d do if something happened to you.” By communicating this way you’re being vulnerable with your heart you’re letting your team know your struggle in the situation and it gives you both an opportunity to have a more heartfelt conversation which your teenager will respect a whole lot more than you just telling them that they can or can’t do something
Key 2: Establish or re-establish your boundaries
If you’re constantly trying to appease your teenager by letting them do whatever they want to do, you have perpetuated a sense of entitlement in your team and the disrespectful behavior pops up when they’re not getting what
they want and the more that you try to appease them the more you are teaching them that they should feel entitled. If someone always lets you have your way and then all of a sudden they’re not letting you have what you want of course
you’re gonna become upset. Now just imagine if that happens to someone who has a teenage brain those upset feelings will most likely manifest as anger indignant rude disrespectful behavior because they want what they’ve always gotten and they feel entitled to it. If you haven’t done a good job of creating your boundaries around your teen’s behavior then it’s time to re-establish those boundaries. Remember a boundary isn’t about what the other person should or shouldn’t do; you have absolutely no control over that. Your boundaries are about what you will do when other people are doing what they do. If your teen is raising their voice at you you simply decide what you will do when that happens and let your teen know. It could look something like this; “I refuse to engage with anyone who is
raising their voice at me. I deserve to be treated better so i’m going to remove myself from this conversation but when you’re ready to have a healthy respectful conversation please let me know.” Again this isn’t about trying to
control what your teen is or isn’t doing it’s about deciding what you will do in situations where you are being treated poorly or being disrespected.
Key 3: stop giving advice and telling your
teenager what to do
The third key is a big one. Stop giving advice and telling your teenager what to do. Your teen’s disrespectful behavior is an indication
that they don’t feel like you understand them or that you even care to understand them. Let that sink in for just a minute. Can you imagine having a relationship with someone, maybe a boss, a friend, your partner, where you feel like they don’t understand you or even care to understand you. That your needs don’t really matter. What you say or do is really inconsequential. Your struggles, your pain, your hardships aren’t that big of a deal. Would you have much respect for someone who treated you that way? This is exactly how your teenager feels. Most of the time it’s sad but it’s true. The quickest way to let your teen know
so not telling them what to do or giving advice doesn’t mean a hands-off approach to parenting. It’s the complete opposite: it’s a full hands-on approach to parenting through guiding not control.
that you care that their needs are just as important as anyone else’s is to stop telling them what to do. Stop giving them well-meaning advice and instead empower them, guide them by asking the right questions. You want to get them to think about decisions ahead of time, become a better problem solver and actually make the decision they think is best for them even if it’s not what you think they should do.This is tough I know but here’s the important part no matter what their decision is allow the consequences of that decision to play. However, giving your teen more autonomy over their decisions allows you to build a culture of mutual respect within your home. Your teen feels respected, feels like their needs are important to you which in turn helps them to see your needs a little clearer as well. Obviously this doesn’t mean you let your teen do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it. There are always consequences to every decision that we make and we have to let those play out for our children without stepping in or without shielding them without letting them off the hook.
Conclusion
In conclusion, dealing with disrespectful behaviour in teens involves understanding their perspective, setting clear boundaries, and guiding them with empathy. By fostering open communication, respecting their autonomy, and maintaining consistent boundaries, parents can build a healthy relationships with their teenagers. It’s a continuous journey that requires patience and effort, but by prioritizing mutual respect, both parents and teens can navigate adolescence more smoothly and strengthen their bond along the way.